Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Fucking graduates

Fucking graduates! They are everywhere!!!

Really, I love them. Education is a good thing - the higher the better! But damn. The statistics on student loan debt and the (slowly recovering but still sluggish) economy are quite sobering. So sobering that perhaps the best reaction to the flurry of graduation announcements this season comes from the song Satellite Skin by Modest Mouse:

Well, happy fuckin' congratulations.*

happy fuckin congratulations keychain graduation gift

And that's about all I have to say about graduation gifts. All the kids want cash, but might as well give them a laugh too. So there are a few funny things in my Etsy shop, if you are in the market for such things.

Back to Modest Mouse: I looked up the video because I couldn't remember which song I pulled the quote from. I was transfixed - not by the costumes or plot (aliens and robes and crows hatching out of Easter eggs? um...) but by the scenery. The whole video - until the last scene that shows a hillside - looks EXACTLY like Riverside State Park, which is right next door to me. Now I'm feeling a little paranoid about running into film crews out there. Probably would be less awkward than stumbling into a National Guard training exercise - which the dogs and I have done - but still. I would probably freak the fuck out if I came down a hill on my mountain bike and witnessed the odd hands-into-the-gaping-wound-in-the-back scene. WTF is that about? I would love to hear your theories.

Those icky openings remind me of the book I read last weekend: Gulp by Mary Roach. There is a whole chapter devoted to Alexis St. Martin, a poor man who, owing to gunshot wound, had a "fistulated passage"** in his abdomen, which a Dr. Beaumont used to investigate how gastric acid works...by pushing food directly into the hole in St. Martin's stomach. Then pulling it back out, like a dog on a leash. But this was 1822, so at least hot dogs didn't exist. Oh, imagine all the horrible wiener jokes that would have ensued.

As distasteful as that little preview is (of course he couldn't TASTE anything! wah. wah.) let me assure you there are much grosser things contained in Gulp. But Mary Roach is fucking hilarious, so I highly recommend reading it. Another teaser: you will never look at Elvis the same way again.

* I was tempted to make a "congradulations" version, but was afraid people wouldn't understand that I was purposely misspelling congratulations to be funny. Jokes aren't funny when you have to follow them up with a long-winded explanation, like the footnote I am currently typing. Well, fuck. Mary Roach has me beat on footnote usage.

** AND there is another chapter about cows that are INTENTIONALLY given "fistulated passages" so that people can test the ruminants' ability to digest things that cows don't naturally eat - like waste products from other farming operations (plant fiber/seeds/etc.). What the FUCK, people! Cows. (Just Wanna) Eat. Grass. But props to Mary for fully investigating the inside of a cow stomach, with her fucking arm.

Here's a picture of the pretty park by my house. You know, to distract you from what you just read. See, the trees are like those in the video. Music video. Happy music. Happy trees. Funny gifts. That's all you need to remember from your visit to my blog today. Carry on joyfully.
riverside state park pine trees cindy morris rights reserved