Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Fucking graduates

Fucking graduates! They are everywhere!!!

Really, I love them. Education is a good thing - the higher the better! But damn. The statistics on student loan debt and the (slowly recovering but still sluggish) economy are quite sobering. So sobering that perhaps the best reaction to the flurry of graduation announcements this season comes from the song Satellite Skin by Modest Mouse:

Well, happy fuckin' congratulations.*

happy fuckin congratulations keychain graduation gift

And that's about all I have to say about graduation gifts. All the kids want cash, but might as well give them a laugh too. So there are a few funny things in my Etsy shop, if you are in the market for such things.

Back to Modest Mouse: I looked up the video because I couldn't remember which song I pulled the quote from. I was transfixed - not by the costumes or plot (aliens and robes and crows hatching out of Easter eggs? um...) but by the scenery. The whole video - until the last scene that shows a hillside - looks EXACTLY like Riverside State Park, which is right next door to me. Now I'm feeling a little paranoid about running into film crews out there. Probably would be less awkward than stumbling into a National Guard training exercise - which the dogs and I have done - but still. I would probably freak the fuck out if I came down a hill on my mountain bike and witnessed the odd hands-into-the-gaping-wound-in-the-back scene. WTF is that about? I would love to hear your theories.

Those icky openings remind me of the book I read last weekend: Gulp by Mary Roach. There is a whole chapter devoted to Alexis St. Martin, a poor man who, owing to gunshot wound, had a "fistulated passage"** in his abdomen, which a Dr. Beaumont used to investigate how gastric acid works...by pushing food directly into the hole in St. Martin's stomach. Then pulling it back out, like a dog on a leash. But this was 1822, so at least hot dogs didn't exist. Oh, imagine all the horrible wiener jokes that would have ensued.

As distasteful as that little preview is (of course he couldn't TASTE anything! wah. wah.) let me assure you there are much grosser things contained in Gulp. But Mary Roach is fucking hilarious, so I highly recommend reading it. Another teaser: you will never look at Elvis the same way again.

* I was tempted to make a "congradulations" version, but was afraid people wouldn't understand that I was purposely misspelling congratulations to be funny. Jokes aren't funny when you have to follow them up with a long-winded explanation, like the footnote I am currently typing. Well, fuck. Mary Roach has me beat on footnote usage.

** AND there is another chapter about cows that are INTENTIONALLY given "fistulated passages" so that people can test the ruminants' ability to digest things that cows don't naturally eat - like waste products from other farming operations (plant fiber/seeds/etc.). What the FUCK, people! Cows. (Just Wanna) Eat. Grass. But props to Mary for fully investigating the inside of a cow stomach, with her fucking arm.

Here's a picture of the pretty park by my house. You know, to distract you from what you just read. See, the trees are like those in the video. Music video. Happy music. Happy trees. Funny gifts. That's all you need to remember from your visit to my blog today. Carry on joyfully.
riverside state park pine trees cindy morris rights reserved

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Fuck Cancer

So, as I've been setting up my FYeahJewelry shop on Etsy, I've been doing the typical sleuthing.

Well, atypical. I don't normally look for fuck jewelry. That's one of my challenges in figuring out how to market my jewelry online. Everyone who sees it in person loves it, but most people don't realize they need or want fuck jewelry. Until they see it that is.

Anyway, I was searching Etsy for fuck. Technically you're not allowed to say fuck in the title or tags, so I didn't. At first. Then I found out that plenty of people say fuck. So I've been experimenting with my tags to see what happens.

But guess what many people are fucking doing? Or fucking making? Search Etsy for fuck and you'll find a whole lot of fuck cancer jewelry.

I have mixed feelings about this.

Side A: artisans deserve to get paid for their work every bit as much as anyone else. If there is a demand for fuck cancer charms and jewelry, then obviously someone should fill that demand.

Side B: Oh my FUCK I am so, SO angry about the marketing of cancer. Watch Pink Ribbons Inc. I've always thought it was really fucking lame that Yoplait asks people to mail in their icky yogurt caps for a few pennies towards cancer research (why not just donate a percentage of sales?). But it is even lamer that their yogurt (until recently) contained bovine growth hormone...which, according to the incredibly unremarkable amount of real research funded given the INSANE amount of money raised through "pink-washing"... CAUSES CANCER. Basically, companies just slap pink ribbons on their products and watch sales rise - even products of dubious safety. Cosmetics seem to be the worst. Meanwhile, real activism, real research and real progress have all stalled because people feel like they are doing their part in the "fight" against cancer by buying pink shit.
When my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer a couple of years ago, I researched the different organizations to see where my donation would be most useful. Komen failed, even before they started doing stupid shit like defunding cancer screenings at Planned Parenthood sites. I chose National Breast Cancer Coalition because they had a firm goal (end breast cancer by 2020!) and (at the time) a great rating on Charity Navigator. But then. Fuck. I should never have liked their Facebook page. Because what popped up?

Fucking pink bottled water. NBCC was proudly promoting Nestle bottled water because 5 cents or something ridiculous like that from every 6-pack sold would benefit NBCC. I commented that people should drink tap water and donate their $5 of water money directly to research instead of Nestle. That way, less plastic and pollution would be produced, too.

My comment was deleted. The whole system is beyond fucked.
Then a few weeks ago, a friend found out his dad has cancer. Serious cancer. I made him a fuck cancer charm because I'm just not a Hallmark type of girl. He soon asked for more fuck cancer charms for his family.
So, since it is the type of affirmation I would want in that situation, and others seem to feel the same, I am going to list my fuck cancer charms in my Etsy shop. I can't list items as free, but the deal is, you can have a charm for the cost of shipping if you or a loved one has cancer. I hope you'll donate to cancer research if you can. I even hope you'll buy some of my other jewelry if it strikes your fancy. Although my argument for Side B is far more passionate, I am a Side A artisan who has to eat too. But I can't stand the idea of profiting from cancer.
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Post script: I wanted to offer the fuck cancer charms as a gift, but that didn't work out so well. Etsy is a marketplace, not a charity. So while I priced the charms to just cover shipping costs and seller fees, buyers didn't really understand this, and I found myself having to defend (?!) my price - a price that actually meant I was losing time and money rather quickly. Since I'm hardly profiting at my regular prices, I've decided to treat the fuck cancer charms like any other product. I will not be getting rich off cancer. But to keep the production of these charms viable, I have to treat it like any other business transaction.


Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Fuck the Buddha

'Fuck the Buddha' may sound just like something some asshole radio host would say to get a rise out of people, but it isn't really what it seems. 
Repeat after me: "If you see a Buddha quote on Facebook, don't assume it is real." (Actually, it would be safer to not believe anything on FB. But I'm trying to focus on a single topic!)

Everyday more quasi-spiritual quotes are circulated. Thorns don't turn into flowers. Seeds turn into flowers. Everyone knows that. Poor Buddha isn't around to defend himself (not that he'd feel the need to, necessarily) but there are entire websites dedicated to the cause. At least most of the fake quotes come close to the lessons actually attributed to Buddha. Plenty of FB quoticisms (I'm calling it a word) are either fabricated entirely or attributed to the wrong person. 

Facebook is full of them.
But I digress. This post is really about something strange that happened recently:

The little Buddha statue that sat on my nightstand somehow fell in the middle of the night. I heard a strange ceramic/metallic clash, but didn't realize until morning that he had been decapitated. Maybe my dog knocked it over. Maybe somehow I hit it in my sleep. I'm not usually superstitious, but beheading Buddha felt like a bad omen. A really, really bad omen. So bad that maybe I should just stay in bed that day.

But then I remembered the saying "If you meet the Buddha on the road, kill him," and realized my suicidal statue is symbolic in a different way. (Read more about the koan here if you are interested.)

It totally fits with what I've been experiencing lately. The more honest I have been about what I really don't give a fuck about, the more the things I do care about naturally take priority, and the easier life gets. Looking to an outside figure for approval, even one as cute and cuddly and wise as the Buddha, has just never worked for me. So, off with his head!

Part of me still cringes at the violence of that statement even, but his head already off. No use feeling attached to how it used to be! (Wah wah. Terrible.)

Then today a friend, who happens to have a very strong Christian faith, asked me to make her a "Jesus Fucking Christ" charm, because it is "not only profane and offensive, but sacrilegious for the hat-trick!" I love her.

If only the "fun"damentalists could have a little fun and not take everything so seriously, maybe people could stop killing each other over religion? There's a fucking thought. Deep thoughts, fuck jewelry. Everything relates to everything. 

Thursday, May 9, 2013

I don't fucking care if you *like* it

I don't fucking care if you like it!

I often listen to audio books while working in my studio, so in Bossypants, when Tina Fey quoted Amy Poehler as saying this, I immediately put it on a charm. Tina and Amy are two of my heroes: incredibly smart, hard-working women who are fucking hilarious.

Amy reportedly said this in reference to an SNL coworker who reacted to a crude joke with "Ew, that's not cute, stop it, I don't like it" or a similar whine. I didn't write down that part, because was her response that rocked:

I don't fucking care if you like it. And then - just back to normal. No tantrum, no grudge. Just standing her ground and being who she is.

Women especially, I think - but I don't know, I've never been a man so I can't compare - so OK, PEOPLE WHO AREN'T SOCIOPATHS - often feel pressure to make sure everything is ok...that no one is upset or in danger of being upset. And in this particular case, the idea that Amy should be cute, feminine and girly was upsetting the boys. So really, "I don't fucking care if you like it" is empowerment at its best. You don't need to live your life making sure no one ever gets upset, or doesn't like something you do. Do what feels right, what makes you laugh. The boys can put on their big girl panties and deal with it.

For whatever reason, making fuck jewelry makes me laugh. Really hard. So here we are. Fuck yeah. You can see all the fucking bracelets I've posted on Etsy here.

Monday, May 6, 2013

Happy Fucking Mother's Day

Happy Fucking Mother's Day. That sounds quite angry, doesn't it? But add an exclamation point and it becomes a super cheerful Happy Fucking Mother's Day! Look at the awesome gift I got you!

There is no correlation between being a good mother and letting the f-bombs fly. Some of the most wonderful moms I know are the most enthused about my jewelry with colorful language. But my own mother doesn't curse, so I won't be giving her any FYeah Jewelry for Mother's Day. But she does love a bargain, so in her honor I am offering 25% off anything in my Etsy shop. Use coupon code mother25F. But don't delay, it expires on 5/18.  Yes that is after Mother's Day, but I figure I'm not the only one who is sometimes late to honor Hallmark holidays!

You can use the same coupon code in my other Etsy shop, gogoshebogo. No curse words here! This shop is home to the other half of my personality - the one that loves nature, and yoga and pretty little things.